And Then

I don't know why it happened, I just looked at my iPod and didn't go for the same old songs that make me think, that make my heart ache, that make the walk home dark. I put on Brit Pop and M.I.A., I straightened my back and looked at every single person I passed. Fuck it, I thought, I'm over being tired, and sad, and homeless, and helpless, and lost. I walked a little bit faster. I smiled, just a little bit, just enough to probably look crazy but fuck it. Like I said. I felt happy. I felt like I was going to pull my shit together and make a life out of these days.

Do you ever get so tired of yourself that you've just had enough? Do you ever hurt so much that you're just over hurting anymore and you stop? Do you ever hear a really happy song and find your heart bubbling even though you didn't try to make it?

I came home, and she said if you want, you can stay a little longer. The cold, rainy streets are suddenly three months further away. The rent that is asked of me a motivation to find work, to find money, to get the rest of the puzzle pieces and fit them in. Crookedly, perhaps, but there.

Fuck it. I have a home. We'll be okay.