Broken Back Wisdom

I sleep, I brunch, I relax. Slowly, energy seeps back into my body, the mind begins arranging its thoughts. Out of excuses, I must accept, and let them run through me, let them get to me, again. Vacation clearly over, and the one from myself is no exception.

I found out today that a former roommate of my current roommate is a published author in my home country, the daughter of a highly prominent writer. I remember when her first book came out, how I thought of her being so young -my age-, already published, and how the stories that burned in her were so much like mine: the rootlessness, the youth, the search for home and learning it supposedly must be found within. And now, I learn that the very bed in which I sleep, is one where she slept, years ago, while living her own New York adventure. Somehow amazed, I couldn't help but let that cold grasp of anxiety grip my heart.

Because here is this girl, my age precisely and perpetually roaming the earth, and already she has three published books to her name. The same nomadic wanderings (if more severe in stature) as myself, except proper, beautiful, not in vain. I suppose that is all I ask for, that none of this misery would be in vain. 27 years and not so many less years of heartache, and what do I have to show for it? Modest helpings of adventure and wanderlust, and not a word shared beyond the realm of people who already appreciate me. I am like a washed up copy, a has-been that never was, a wannabe that simply will not be.

With this sense of uselessness I watch one of my favorite movies, so beautiful in all its American wide open spaces. I remember, how wonderful it is to travel, to see the world. I make plans of American Road Trips ahead, and I smile because I truly believe myself when I make them. The answer is suddenly so clear. That it is worth being unsteadily employed, worth living in sublets of somebody else's furniture and stretching every paycheck, to have the freedom to pack your bags and go. That I relinquish the steady and mapped out future I made for myself in favor of discovering what's around the bend. I hold on to this potential for escape, and my heart is appeased, if only for a moment. As long as those dreams keep burning within me, I tell myself, it really is not in vain.