Toppling Over

I must stop eating so much sugar. Because the momentary high that it brings is so quickly overshadowed by the downfall. The tired, sluggish limbs and out of focus vision, the inspiration that dwindled to catatonia. I suppose the same should be said for blow. (haha)

I found a very old email from an ex-boyfriend the other day, and the feelings and realities I had long since forgotten, resurfaced, linger still. I remembered late night talks about our future home (which I know he has since acquired with someone New), sweet adoration, and roses on Valentine's day. These are things that have always passively resided in my memory as nice trinkets of a life past, of little significance. But this email, it was the one from after I had broken up with him, the last time. This was it, we'd given it another chance (another couple of chances, depending on how you choose to measure failure, and love), and now we knew there was nothing more to salvage. And yet, his sweet words read like a last desperate attempt to pierce my ignorance, to leave an imprint and give me a fighting chance in life. It's time you learned this lesson by heart. All these years later, I haven't learned a thing. I still fumble in darkness after appropriate feelings, having to remind myself that people exist even when I do not see them, and that I can love and be loved without going under.

That email made me inexplicably sad.

But we are going to go ahead and blame the sugar, instead.