Views

I always get lost
when I leave the Village
I knew that
I'm not sure why I went.

Under Water

The train left the tunnel for a minute, crossed the bridge, and revealed rows of people in their t-shirts, lines up along the water and basking in the sunlight. Indian Summer. We sat at an outdoor cafe, and I took my jacket off, just because I could.

It was an evening of gathering up the threads of friendships neglected. Of remembering how much I love these people, and the person they make me. Of the simplicity of hours of laughter. I am grateful.

Sometimes, you have to let it be, just as simple as that.

Before October

Today it feels like spring out, did you notice? There was that certain warm air like when the ground is thawing and you know it's almost here. Birds chirp relentlessly, people were sitting on doorsteps as I passed them. The sky is the kind of blue you'd like to lie on a blanket in a park and look at for hours.

I know it's not real. I know.

But I don't care.

Vacation

Screw it. If you suddenly wake up smiling, then do it. I'm giving you some time off from your regularly scheduled misery. Listen to Appetite for Destruction so loud your ears wince and you arrive out of breath at the office from walking too fast. Sit at bars and carry on silly conversation with newfound friends and don't worry so much about missing dinner. Put aside the writing, the reading, the reminiscing. Forget you-know-what and who-know-whom and you-know-where. Ignore the darkening evenings, the ominous chill. Revel in soft skin and soft hearts, in how good a real proper laugh feels, all the way from your gut, through your teeth, into the air.

However long it lasts, enjoy it. You can think about it later. You will think about it later. Vacations aren't forever. Enjoy it, for all it's worth.

And Then

I don't know why it happened, I just looked at my iPod and didn't go for the same old songs that make me think, that make my heart ache, that make the walk home dark. I put on Brit Pop and M.I.A., I straightened my back and looked at every single person I passed. Fuck it, I thought, I'm over being tired, and sad, and homeless, and helpless, and lost. I walked a little bit faster. I smiled, just a little bit, just enough to probably look crazy but fuck it. Like I said. I felt happy. I felt like I was going to pull my shit together and make a life out of these days.

Do you ever get so tired of yourself that you've just had enough? Do you ever hurt so much that you're just over hurting anymore and you stop? Do you ever hear a really happy song and find your heart bubbling even though you didn't try to make it?

I came home, and she said if you want, you can stay a little longer. The cold, rainy streets are suddenly three months further away. The rent that is asked of me a motivation to find work, to find money, to get the rest of the puzzle pieces and fit them in. Crookedly, perhaps, but there.

Fuck it. I have a home. We'll be okay.

Someone Else's Days

Rested limbs and light heart. Limitless coffee and better company could not be wished for. It's Sunday and brunch and the view is all turning leaves and it seems a shame to ask them to pull down the shades. For a brief moment, how easy life. How easy the future, how close the laughter. I understand why people choose such a world. For a brief moment, I don't understand why I don't.

Retreat to a quiet apartment. Such a blessing to have somewhere to go, even if only for a while. Ignore the clocks counting down, they will only disturb your slumber. I sit in front of that word processor, knowing full well the words must be written, but unable to resume their story. How far away they seem.

Today I see the stable life, and I wish that it were mine.

Årsta

Oh how bright the sun today, we fought bravely at the outdoor café, Look! I'm sitting here without a jacket on! and no matter that we piled the blankets high and the coffee grew cold halfway through. Winter is far away yet, I laugh in its face and am invincible.

Nine floors up and the view tames the fiercest lion. The train there crossed the bridge, but pulling out of the south island tunnel was nothing like climbing the Williamsburg bridge. The unsullied houses made my heart sink. I read my manuscript, those dirtied crumpled pages, and they only remind me of things I am better off forgetting, how can I ever finish it when I cannot pull on those feelings again? If I sink in I may never be able to crawl out. I feel like I'm being judged by my bookshelf, she said, but I simply reveled in her collection, in how delicious titles taste when you read them like that, the reminder what it is to be devoured by literature. Words never fail, where life cannot compete.

I saw you tonight, and how comforting your voice, that smile in your eyes. I saw you so close, and yet you were endlessly far away. When I came home we spoke of impossibilities, how there are too many things to wish for. Life has a lot to live up to. Winter, when it comes, will be long.