Deserve

Make a right at the New Jersey Turnpike, barrel down lanes past Liberty Park and IKEA, to that part where the planes fly just at your side. Somewhere between the Statue and the airport, I heard my own voice, clear as day. You do not need to find your redemption arc, you have already fulfilled it. 

It's been almost 15 years now, it's no wonder I forget to remember, I sat in that window near the very last gate at Newark International airport, looking at the hazy skyline in the distance, and feeling with every cell in my body that leaving was the last thing I should be doing. How I wanted to run back to those crooked streets and exhausting buildings, how I wanted to patch my ruptured heart with solace. It would take over two years before I was back again. 

It would take another four before I was back for good. 

When we speak of redemption arcs, we think of driving desires for a future state. Redemption is always a chase, always a some day kind of anger. 

But the only thing I ever wanted was to never have to feel like I did in that airport window, to never have to say that home was anywhere but New York. And I clawed, and fought, and sacrificed, but did I not give myself that gift at last? Do I not already have all I ever bargained with god to receive?

I smiled then, two hours south on the 95, gray dreary New Jersey on my retina, I smiled. I have already found the treasure. If you let yourself see it, you are ready to come up for air.