Take a deep breath, comes the calming voice across the screen, get started. I opened my eyes, a strange arrangement along my spine, an unusual clarity. Do the work, first, think later. After days in the muck, days of brain fog and despair, of not remembering how to make a lip smile, I wake with a hesitant lightness. I have been fooled before, yes, but the lightness remains, so that I feel my breaths almost reach the edges of my lungs. I tip-toe around the day, trying to fit in as much productive work as I can before the break inevitably ends, trying to get a step ahead before I fall three below. You see I know this parasite, have learned its ways and recognize its game. It offers a moment's reprieve, gives you just enough to dare to hope, before it sinks its teeth in you again, and don't your wounds bleed worse after they started to heal? It's a ruse.
But I drove into the forest yesterday, sunny whispering forest and a blessed solitude. I could not breathe, then, could not smile at the gift, but I still gave it, and I still opened it, and today I remember. The rain today continues unabated, but I do not hear it, do not see it, do not let it chill me as it will. There was a short moment of lightness, and that is what I will remember.
This year drags us through burning treacle, holds us under the surface until we choke and a little more, every day seems more cruel than the one before. Is it any wonder if we despair at times?
Is it any wonder if we forget our way?
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