Saturation

6.5 years of higher education. 60,000 dollars in student loans to be paid back, in full. A title, a license, a career staked out, an adulthood into which to enter, a symbolic order to adhere to, a Life to be lived properly. 30. I spent my entire life playing catchup, always feeling too old for my desires, always too slow, always with the sense that life was already passing me by and I was Alice, running with the Red Queen and trying desperately just to stay where I was, nevermind advancing.

Well fuck it.

I have a life here, I do. Impoverished though it may be, I have health insurance, a bicycle, a piano, relatives, work, safety nets. I am not blind to its advantages. But since I made up my mind that night mere days ago, my heart has sung a tune no social security can buy. My blood rushes through me at twice its normal pace and I forget to breathe, it doesn't matter. I find myself frozen still only to realize I'm laughing. I know part of it is the magic of a ticket, a change in the weather, of running away, but it can't be the whole truth. It can't.

You are the one relationship I don't want to bail...
...that doesn't terrify me...
...New York.
Please say it isn't over.

It occurs to me that I had no idea.
We haven't even started yet.