Knowns

When the alarm rang, it was still night. I gathered things and fell down the hill to the subway, and the streets were empty. Mornings are not my thing, but for a two-dollar train ticket, I was willing to go. For a moment's respite, I would sacrifice a hundred mornings, after all.

The sun rose quietly over the city of my childhood as the train rolled in. Past the lake where we'd swim on late drunk nights before heading home. Over the bridge past that apartment house where we went that one New Year's Eve that was the coldest in history, and I still remember your hands inside my shirt. The sun lit up the church steeple, the river delta, the town square. I didn't fear the city today. I have realized no one remembers my face, I am safe. And it's a pretty enough place, for a stranger.

Later, I sat with that child in my arms as she fell asleep, and I had gotten exactly what I came for. Just a day, a moment's rest. Where there is no Stockholm, no New York, no uncertainty, no poverty, no weary limbs. There is only a baby as dear as were she your own blood, a season that follows tradition to a t, and a world where nothing surprises, nothing alarms. It is harmless, it is safe. It is everything I've left behind.

How the sleep, tonight, will be sweet.

Controlled Breathing

It's a mad race lately, I don't sleep, I can't see further in front of me than my own hand and I am glad. Run, Run, as fast as you can, as it were. Do you remember that time, years ago now, it was St. Lucia and I hadn't eaten or slept in days, I was running on adrenaline and empoverished ecstasy, there was a ticket to a flight in the morning, I didn't sleep. We stood in a corner of the kitchen, the apartment was full, I thought this city is so beautiful in the dark and you looked at me with those eyes, that was years ago.

The music moved me tonight but I only heard your sorrows in her words, it made me uneasy. I forgot to clap, I forgot to look, I was elsewhere. You were right there.

Right there.

I need a ticket, now. Only leaving, will make this all right.

In Somnia

The hours passed so quickly last night, my eyes wide awake and restless. But the minutes turned to words, the restlessness turned to fervor, and by the time the clock passed morning, my head was swimming but my heart racing. Mere hours passed before it was time to rise again; the day stretched impossibly long ahead. Still, all day my heart was light, work a joy. Evening came with heavy lids and yet here I am, again, awake and relentlessly sprightly.

I will not question the energy, from where it comes. I will not question the light heart, the moment's rest. The winter is long, and dark, and unending. Every burst of energy is a treat to be savored.

Even if the night finds me sleepless, again.

On Giving Thanks.

I went away, I promised I would not return until other words were finished, other pages closed, but I cannot. I forget how it's done, but I know something is missing; the days pass without processing, without ink, I am lost. I forget how this is done, forgive me. How have you been? I missed you.

At dinner, last night, the abundance of food, we move but carry our ways with us, I was glad for the company. Last year how overwhelmed with gratitude, with the impossibility of such a reality. I made no list this year. So much for which to be grateful, and yet. Last year, I loved New York and that was all that mattered. I thought we were made for each other. I thought that was all that mattered.

Eight years pass so quickly, but how painfully, how slowly they end. I don't want to leave this apartment, she said. This is my home. Eight years pass; they can only end in heartache.

I thought we were made for each other.
I thought that was all that mattered.
Now I don't know who I am, without you.

Intermezzo

(There is a ticket, with my name on it, headed for New York. It comes with a return ticket, an end date. It exhilarates me to think I will soon enough walk those streets. Suddenly, how close the City again, how real.

It terrifies me to realize how short lived the joy. To realize that I willingly tear every single one of those stitches, cut open those burning scars, let myself bleed for mere hours of breathing my City, sleeping calm in its steady beat. My pulse races, my skin is warm to the touch, I long to see you.

It already hurts so much, to leave you again.)